How to Wash a Rabid Monkey

So you’re a shady monkey breeder unloading your defective stock for next to nothing through internet sales, or maybe you’re a soon-to-retire zookeeper looking to supplement your 401k by selling surplus monkeys on the black market. Sooner or later, you’ll have a rabid monkey on your hands, and it’ll be a hot, frothy mess. Appease that monkey with a spa treatment and fool your customers until the check clears. Here’s how.

First, sedate your monkey

Once the rabid monkey reaches the Furious or “Mad Dog” phase, he’ll bite or eat anything. Your fingers are the perfect size so you won’t be able to pick the little guy up without losing a digit or two. You’re going to have to knock him out.

Take two sleeping pills and a couple of painkillers from your medicine cabinet, preferably the kind with a muscle relaxer because rabid monkeys tend to get pretty tense. You could try throwing the pills into the cage, but he’ll probably throw them back, along with some juicy turds, so that’s a no-go. Instead, shove each pill one-by-one into the end of a straw and start poking your monkey with a stick. As soon as he opens his mouth to complain about the poking, launch the pill “spitball” style right into his gullet. Wait for the pills to take effect.

Second, prepare the monkey-bath

You don’t want the water to be too cold because you might wake the monkey up and piss him off. You don’t want the water to be too hot because you can scald him and nobody will buy a burned monkey. Fill the tub halfway with tepid water and pour in some rabid-monkey shampoo. It’s important that you use specially formulated “Rabid Monkey” brand shampoo for this. It will hide the frothing and bring out the sheen of his fur.

You’ll need:

  • towels
  • a brush
  • a large plastic cup for rinsing, or a detachable shower massager
  • “Rabid Monkey” brand shampoo

Third, prepare the monkey

I’m not going to lie and say that the monkey won’t wake up. Rabies is like crack and you know crackheads have defied nature time and time again. You want to take a few precautions just in case the he starts stirring and you’re no where near his cage. Shaving the monkey is not necessary.

You’ll need:

  • heavy, waterproof work gloves to protect you from the feces he’s been writhing around in and to buffer any bites.
  • a large plank covered in velcro
  • a tiny Hannibal mask (as seen in The Silence of the Lambs.)

After putting on your gloves, carefully and quietly reach into the cage and secure the Hannibal mask in place. Once his teeth have been locked away, take him from the cage and slap the sucker on the plank. The velcro should hold him down in case he stirs.

Fourth, wash the monkey

Ease the monkey into the water, feet first. Make sure you keep his head above the water level. Once his fur is thoroughly soaked and soapy, take the brush and brush in the natural direction of its growth. This should remove anything that’s stuck to the fur and shine him up a bit. When you’re done with one side, roll him over onto the other.

A symptom of rabies you want to know about before washing the feet is Babinski’s Reflex. When the bottom of the foot is touched, the toes will abruptly splay. If you didn’t know this, it would freak you out when getting to the feet. You’d probably drop the monkey’s head into the water and he’d either drown, or wake up really pissed.

Using either your detachable shower massager or a large plastic cup, rinse the shampoo off of the monkey. Be quick about this, it will probably stir the little guy, but if you’re fast, he’ll stay asleep. When you’re done, just prop the board in the the dish-rack to drip dry.

 

Comments

  1. Eileen says:

    Is this article for real?!?!? It is ridiculous. First of all, a monkey with rabies WILL DIE just like us humans.

    Second, there has only been one case of a monkey with rabies in over 20 years, which it contracted from a rabid dog that bit the monkey. SO breeders don’t sell monkeys with rabies, because primates in the pet sector DON’T carry it.

    If a monkey was to be infected and bit the person who was bathing it, that person would get rabies unless vaccinated and given post-exposure prophylaxis (not sure about the spelling there).

    What person would risk their life for a measly $5,000? Third, I don’t think two sleeping pills would knock out even a squirrel monkey enough to bathe it, although it may kill the monkey, defeating the entire purpose of bathing it to sell.

    Now, to bathe a pet monkey who is not accustomed to water, it can be held as the vets hold them so that they are not able to bite you and placed under a faucet under lukewarm water. No sedation is necessary. Larger monkeys who have been raised as pets and bathed since babies enjoy water and wouldn’t put up such a fight. If they do, they can just be left in their outdoor enclosure and let nature do its job. After all, in the wild, monkeys don’t get baths.

    I speak from experience owning two squirrel monkeys. This article just makes pet ownership and sale of primates in such a false and negative light. It is a bunch of bull.

  2. VicZ says:

    Thank you for the information, it has been very helpful. My rabid monkey is clean as a whistle and is looking good. It did take a little time to locate the shampoo; I suggest that you maybe list some of the websites that carry it. I would have listed them, but it may be a problem, and it is your site and I would not want to get you in any trouble.

    Once again, thanks, I am not too sure what the person is talking about on the first comment; she undoubtedly hasn’t been out in the world very much as rabid monkeys are more common than she thinks.

  3. Teresa L D says:

    The Velcro plank works wonders — I would never have thought of it myself. Thanks.

  4. Steve G says:

    I suggest using chain-mail gloves instead of rubber gloves since a rabbit monkey’s bite can probably go right through the rubber. You can probably find them online from a cutlery store.

    I’ll have to keep this on my fridge since I come across rabid monkeys all the time. ;-P

  5. Elmo says:

    The first post, by Eileen, is so typical of the Big Monkey Establishment trying to spread disinformation. Of course there are rabid monkeys being sold out there, lots of them. She herself is probably selling rabid monkeys and is just trying to convince people there is no “real” problem. She is no better than the oil companies with her lies and deceit in the face of a truly global crisis.

    Anyway, thanks for the article. I adapted it for use on my incontinent badger and it worked like a charm. Thanks again.

  6. Thomas says:

    Elmo:
    You are the one spreading disinformation. When was the last time a monkey had rabies in the UNITED STATES? You must really believe in urban legends.

    It is more likely that you are going to get a dog with rabies than a monkey. Most breeders and states either REQUIRE or strongly encourage a certificate of health to be done prior to changing ownership.

    I have a monkey. I am more worried about YOU giving him rabies or herpes than him giving them to you. Elmo, do you have a certificate of health?

  7. Natty says:

    Thanks so much for posting such easy-to-follow directions! They have been incredibly helpful, and works, I have found, for all manner of primates. I first used your suggestions on a rabid vagrant I picked up while driving back from Burning Man, and your how-to info did just the trick! I would like to also suggest the use of a mild electric current should your rabid monkey/hitchhiker awaken while in the bath. Simply remove your gloved hands from the bath, apply the current, and continue bathing your subject once it has been shocked into submission and any twitching has ceased. Thanks again!

  8. Grunty says:

    Alternatively, toss a couple of bananas in the dishwasher and when the little sucker goes in to get them…SLAM! Gotcha!

    One full cycle later and he’ll come out ‘squeaky clean’.

    (You’ll have nice shiny bananas too!)

  9. Bruce says:

    In my enthusiasm to get the job done, I only read the first part of your advice on sedation:

    >>Take two sleeping pills and a couple of painkillers.

    Although this didn’t make it any easier to get the Hannibal Lecter mask in place, it certainly helped dull the pain of losing a hand.

  10. Mike from Mesa says:

    Will this technique work in the classroom? There are a number of monkey babies there that are defying the evolutionary process. Still hung in the gratification stage.

  11. Craig from A2 says:

    “Babinski’s Reflex” you say? I was wondering what was up with that foot thing. It’s good to know I’m not alone out here.

    Does anybody know of a support group in the Midwest?

  12. Andrew says:

    Ah, just what I was looking for. Finally a USEFUL article. Thanks.

  13. TheGreatGoombit says:

    Ahh, thank you for your information about the Western Style of washing rabid monkeys. In Goombofu, we believe in the importance of exchanging cultural knowledge. Here on our tiny island, we’ve actually sectioned off a portion of the capital city’s harbor in order to bathe the rabid monkey population (their growth in numbers has been nearly exponential in recent years). Once we identify a rabid monkey, we use our sleeping spit darts to knock them out, then slingshot them into the waves. The constant roll of the ocean actually cleans the fur quite nicely, and gives it that “windblown” look upon drying. The cleaned monkeys are promptly given away as souvenirs to tourists leaving the country.

  14. Sophie says:

    This tip was very useful, and I highly suggest for anyone reading this to check out the “polishing turds” article as well. There is nothing like seeing your pride and joy of the colon on your fireplace mantel. Thanks howtocleanstuff.net :)

  15. Jackie says:

    I’m so glad to have found this web page. One would think ‘How to Clean A Rabid Monkey’ would be readily available… but it’s not!!

  16. R says:

    Eileen,
    Next time you insert your tamp, make sure it it is vertical, with the string hanging out. Inserting it sideways will only numb your sense of humor.

  17. Animal Trainer says:

    I take my rabid monkeys (someone wrote “rabbit”?) to the field with a banana. A 20 gauge works great and the vultures will clean the carcass. Problem solved. This tip could be filed under “recycling” also.

  18. Greg from Hawaii, a bit frazzled says:

    Thank God I found this site.

    I was wondering why some rabid monkey’s seem clean and smell fresh. You get a monkey and it passes the sniff test, but later, my God – the frothing and behavior.

    It makes you want to consider a different type of animal. I know that person wrote early on that there have been almost no cases of rabid monkeys, but how many politicians do you see going to jail?

    Using a pole brush and warning your neighbors of the noise to come are good starters. I would think a shot would be available for the monkey. I know they have a series of shots for humans. In Hawaii, we have never had a documented case of rabies in anything. Also, no stripper is allowed to give a lap dance and that never happens either. Anyway, I’m glad to see some of you getting help for washing all types of rabid animals.

    I could not stress the importance of not doing any of this alone or unarmed. If the little bugger gets loose or comes at your privates, I suggest taking him down, with “extreme prejudice.” That is not a racial term by the way, but a term the CIA uses for capping someone. For those that don’t read books, you can see it used in the movie “Apocalypse Now.”

    Well, a pleasant day to you all and happy hunting. Monkey fur does not make a good bath rug by the way. If any of you are out Hawaii, do drop a line.

    Greg

  19. N says:

    Great tips! I was looking for a way to remove red Kool-aid from carpet, as I had given up hope on finding a method of cleaning my rabid monkey! As a bonus, I can now polish my turds.

  20. Plop says:

    Wow, thanks so much; my rabid monkey is in a zoo now somewhere in Uzbekistan! I’m so thankful that this worked…

    Eileen, I think is just jealous because it didn’t work for her and she got her fingers bitten off because she’s too dumb! :P

  21. Paula says:

    My rabid monkey is all clean now. That foot thing did freak me out and I now have a large bite mark on my right hand. It’s okay, though, I’ve gotten a rabies shot so I’m safe. ;)

    I will also follow the suggestion of the person who thought to put them in the washing machine. What setting should I use, though?

  22. Tory says:

    This method has also worked wonders for me with my dirty hippy/hitchhiking/conspiracy theorist roommate. When he first came to live with me, I had to hit him with a toaster, string him up outside and hose him down. This does not go over well with the neighbors. After the first “rabid monkey” trial, not only did the smell improve in my home, but using sedatives had a remarkable side effect. He was quiet for HOURS! Not one peep about the government watching our every move or how Bill Gates… well, we don’t need to go there.

    Anyway, thanks so much for all your help. I hope there are many others who will gain from your knowledge as I did. And um Eileen you kinda suck and obviously had problems as a child.

  23. Athena says:

    I have a hypoallergenic hairless rabid monkey, and in my efforts to bathe him as suggested, I found that he does not stick to the velcro board. Does anyone have any suggestions to remedy this situation?

  24. Monkey says:

    I didn’t find the directions very helpful. These days, in order to be competitive, you really need to wash your rabid monkeys a dozen at a time.

  25. Lil Mookie says:

    Thank you SO much for this guide. Like so many before me, I desired the perfect pet and ordered a monkey online. No sooner did it arrive than did I see rabies. Man! Rabies were *everywhere*. My mother could hear the monkey screams from the basement, and the little bastard could bite! It was worse than the time the llama bit my sister, but I digress… I e-mailed the guy who sold me the monkey and he was adamant, “No refunds!” (I should have read the fine print…) It seems many people (wiser than me) were refusing to repurchase a twice-loved monkey, until I saw your excellent guide to monkey washing.

    It is so hard to find the right kind of monkey washing guide. Mostly it’s just links to horrific porn sites, or some cheesy click-n-spam site leading to the nearest “Rabid Monkey” generic knockoff shampoo (RB may cost a little more, but it really works wonders on the feces/dry froth coating on the fur). Anyway, the monkey washing went off without a hitch! I received over twenty-five emails from prospective buyers just BEGGING me to touch my monkey. They love it, and I do too!

    Thank you “Rabid Monkey” shampoo, and thank goodness for this guide! 5 stars all the way!!

  26. Jester says:

    Use the alternate dishwasher method, but only if you can adjust the water temperature as cooked monkey is illegal in this country. Don’t allow the dishwasher to dry as the heat is too intense; let the monkey dry itself with the hairdryer as that will be more stylish.

  27. Goob says:

    How does one wash a rabbit-monkey? You know, the kind from crazy DNA experiments? Mine keeps hopping away laughing at me with those crazy monkey eyes and cottontail. If my rabbit-monkey suddenly comes down with a case of the rabies, do these instructions still apply? Or should I try to find specific “how to wash a rabid rabbit-monkey” instructions? I would imagine the ears are a bit tricky.

  28. Kris says:

    I’m coming in very late in the conversation, but any intelligent person can tell that the article is a joke even before reading it! It was intended for a laugh and for most of us with common sense, that’s what it got.

    Obviously the people that should be chastised, if anyone is going to be ridiculed, it should be those that own monkeys.

  29. Benign says:

    This is ridiculously entertaining. It has me screaming with laughter and tear-filled eyes. I have got to pass this on to my depressed friends. Maybe also send it to some psychiatric hospitals where it will send the catatonic patients into peals of laughter.

  30. Phil says:

    What a crazy message. Anyone who would sell or give away a rabid monkey is sick. Meanwhile, It is hard to believe this un-joke rated so many positive comments.

  31. Manster says:

    I just threw mine in the washing machine with a load of athletic socks, no gloves needed. Unfortunately, now I have a load of rabid sock-monkeys. I guess I should have used bleach.

  32. Mrs. B. says:

    I stumbled across your article and have to thank you for this life-changing information! All this time I’d been I’ve been discarding my monkeys once they became frothy, thinking that they were un-savable. Now I can use this much greener alternative to filling the landfills with monkeys!

    Truly…genius.

  33. MonkeyBite says:

    I have found that while it is important to keep your monkey clean, the best remedy for an out of control monkey is to spank it. Most monkeys seem to respond well to a good spanking. Post-spanking, they are much more docile, often limp even, and you should not have to repeat for at least a few hours to a few days at most. You may feel tired afterward and possibly hungry, but the work is well worth it in the end.

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