So you’re a shady monkey breeder unloading your defective stock for next to nothing through internet sales, or maybe you’re a soon-to-retire zookeeper looking to supplement your 401k by selling surplus monkeys on the black market. Sooner or later, you’ll have a rabid monkey on your hands, and it’ll be a hot, frothy mess. Appease that monkey with a spa treatment and fool your customers until the check clears. Here’s how.
First, sedate your monkey
Once the rabid monkey reaches the Furious or “Mad Dog” phase, he’ll bite or eat anything. Your fingers are the perfect size so you won’t be able to pick the little guy up without losing a digit or two. You’re going to have to knock him out.
Take two sleeping pills and a couple of painkillers from your medicine cabinet, preferably the kind with a muscle relaxer because rabid monkeys tend to get pretty tense. You could try throwing the pills into the cage, but he’ll probably throw them back, along with some juicy turds, so that’s a no-go. Instead, shove each pill one-by-one into the end of a straw and start poking your monkey with a stick. As soon as he opens his mouth to complain about the poking, launch the pill “spitball” style right into his gullet. Wait for the pills to take effect.
Second, prepare the monkey-bath
You don’t want the water to be too cold because you might wake the monkey up and piss him off. You don’t want the water to be too hot because you can scald him and nobody will buy a burned monkey. Fill the tub halfway with tepid water and pour in some rabid-monkey shampoo. It’s important that you use specially formulated “Rabid Monkey” brand shampoo for this. It will hide the frothing and bring out the sheen of his fur.
- a brush
- a large plastic cup for rinsing, or a detachable shower massager
- “Rabid Monkey” brand shampoo
Third, prepare the monkey
I’m not going to lie and say that the monkey won’t wake up. Rabies is like crack and you know crackheads have defied nature time and time again. You want to take a few precautions just in case the he starts stirring and you’re no where near his cage. Shaving the monkey is not necessary.
- heavy, waterproof work gloves to protect you from the feces he’s been writhing around in and to buffer any bites.
- a large plank covered in velcro
- a tiny Hannibal mask (as seen in The Silence of the Lambs.)
After putting on your gloves, carefully and quietly reach into the cage and secure the Hannibal mask in place. Once his teeth have been locked away, take him from the cage and slap the sucker on the plank. The velcro should hold him down in case he stirs.
Fourth, wash the monkey
Ease the monkey into the water, feet first. Make sure you keep his head above the water level. Once his fur is thoroughly soaked and soapy, take the brush and brush in the natural direction of its growth. This should remove anything that’s stuck to the fur and shine him up a bit. When you’re done with one side, roll him over onto the other.
A symptom of rabies you want to know about before washing the feet is Babinski’s Reflex. When the bottom of the foot is touched, the toes will abruptly splay. If you didn’t know this, it would freak you out when getting to the feet. You’d probably drop the monkey’s head into the water and he’d either drown, or wake up really pissed.
Using either your detachable shower massager or a large plastic cup, rinse the shampoo off of the monkey. Be quick about this, it will probably stir the little guy, but if you’re fast, he’ll stay asleep. When you’re done, just prop the board in the the dish-rack to drip dry.