I’m sure some perfect Suburban princess will take a glance at this and say, “Just ask him nicely.” But, c’mon, you know you’ve tried it and it didn’t work. That’s why we’re here. Your man doesn’t listen. Chances are he was wishing you came with a mute button by your second date. Screw being nice, if you want the man in your life to clean up after himself, you need to play hardball. Here’s how.
Table of Contents:
Disclaimer: This guide is satirical.
Understand the Enemy
The first thing you have to know to get your man to clean up after himself, is Man. Man needs three basic things to function happily and understanding these things will put you at an advantage. Need #1, (and I will add that the order isn’t going to be the same for every guy,) sex. Need #2, food. Need #3, AVEM or Audio-Visual Escape Mechanism such as television, video games, golf, etc. Don’t fool yourself by thinking that money and power is on his list of necessities. Guys want money and power to attract sex, and to buy food and toys. If getting needs met was cheap and easy, all men would be on your couch in dirty underwear, eating cereal and playing video games while you kneel before him waiting for his command to worship him in whatever way he saw fit. I think the only reason why men shower is because they enjoy having company from time to time; so, you see how much leverage you actually have?
The Tools
Now that you know more about your man, you need your tools for dealing with this knowledge. We can’t beat them into submission, the human rights people would be all over us; and not too many of us have the upper body strength to carry out the task anyway. We can’t drug them or implant some sort of device into their frontal lobes, the human rights people and the police would team up to lock us away. We have to use what the good Lord blessed us with, incredible intelligence, and carefully craft the right plan. We have to barter, threat, and withhold. These tools are better than the phone books police use to interrogate their suspects without leaving a mark.
The Strategy
So now you know what you’re dealing with and you know what tools to work with. Here’s how you put it all together.
Sex
If the only reason you stay with your man is for him to open jars, kill spiders, and uh, reach that little itch that needs to be scratched; this section may not be for you. But for everyone else, you can use your tools on your man’s need for sex to get him to clean up his act. So, what is he doing? Dropping his dirty socks and boxers on the floor…right next to the empty hamper? You can barter with him. You can say, “Honey, if you’ll just pick up after yourself, I’ll do that thing you like me to do without it being your birthday.” Of course, you realize that if he does his part, you must do yours. So, be careful at what you’re offering. On one hand, you want to show him that you’re willing to do something you don’t like to do if he’ll do the same. On the other hand, you can just pick up his socks and be able to look yourself in the mirror the next day.
If the bartering doesn’t work, you’ll have to threat. “So help me, if you don’t start putting your clothes in the hamper, you’ll be a missionary man for the rest of your natural life!” If he can’t add some variety to his way of life, i.e. cleaning up after himself instead of making you do it, don’t give him variety in his sex life.
There is the possibility that he still won’t do his share in the relationship. You have to withhold sex. I know that makes it a little difficult on you sometimes. If he isn’t rolling off of you and into a deep slumber, you may have to talk to him until he goes to sleep every night. And you may have to take some matters into your own, uh, hands. But, hey, he isn’t helping out. He has to pay the price.
Food
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach for a reason, use it to get him to make your way to the bathroom mirror. You’re tired of having to throw all of your weight on the door to get in because his towel has somehow gotten wedged beneath. And then when you get in, you have to wonder how he could get toothpaste EVERYWHERE. Let’s not even talk about the toilet seat. So you barter, “Sweetheart, if you could just wipe out the sink in the morning, I’ll have a big breakfast waiting for you.” As with the sex, you’ll have to have that breakfast ready and waiting as promised. If you aren’t that great of a cook, this section may not be for you.
If you leave him at the table to inhale all the bacon and eggs and still have to fight your way into the bathroom, you need to pull the plate away. Threaten him, “that was your last mouthful of bacon ever, if you don’t go in there and clean up your mess.” He’ll look at you like you pulled a knife on him, but he’ll get up and do his duty because he’s still hungry.
Now, if your man is so stupid that he says he’ll get something on his way to work and leaves you hanging with his dirty dishes AND the messy bathroom. You’ve got to follow through with your threat and withhold the bacon. Cook every grease-popping piece and find someone to feed it to: the pet dog, the homeless man at the intersection, your co-workers. Just don’t let him eat it. You can go as far as to make yourself meals, clean up your own dishes, and leave him at the table with fork and knife in hand wondering why you’ve turned off the lights in the kitchen without bringing him dinner first. Or, you could scrape off all of the toothpaste he left and put it on his plate. “I told you, no more bacon!”
AVEM (Audio-Visual Escape Mechanism)
Did he dump his jacket, keys, and whatever else just where you asked him not to when he came home? Barter. “Why don’t you hang up your jacket and put your keys on the hook and we’ll watch what you want to watch tonight?” Just know that you may be watching monster trucks crush school buses for two hours.
You may have to threaten. “If you can’t help out around here, I’m going to take the remote control away! We both know you’ll never stand up to turn the channel!”
If that doesn’t work, withhold. You watch him drop his stuff and then you get his attention, “Hey! What did I tell you?” Pull the flowers out of the nearest vase and put the remote control in the water right before his very eyes. Then grab a book and sit down in his favorite chair to read.
Other suggestions
Sometimes, you can make a simple statement that doesn’t border on bartering, threatening, or withholding. They’re suggestive statements that can be effective if you think quickly and execute them properly.
If the dishes are piled up and he’s giving you the “Babe, do you wanna?” look, you sigh and say, “I just hope I’ll have the energy to rock your world after I wash all of these dishes.” He’ll offer to rinse.
For the timeless question, “What’s for dinner?” You can respond, “Who has time to cook? I’m trying to clean this pig sty!” He’ll compromise with picking some things up for a tray of store-bought lasagna that should be done baking by the time you’re done cleaning.
When he can’t find the remote control, just suggest, “I don’t know, dear, maybe it’s underneath all of your stuff there on the couch.” It isn’t a definite, but he might put something away for some quality TV time.
If all else fails, you can kick him out and start fresh with someone else.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
As for the clothes on the bedroom floor; if its on the floor then it is still in the guys control and he’ll re-wear it until he’s decided its dirty enough to be washed. Whats the point in throwing it in the hamper so it can be rewashed constantly until your new favorite shirt looks like its 5 years old.
If he makes a mess in the bathroom then get two bathrooms or hire a maid. How many people do you know that go into the toilet room to admire it’s beauty? If no one is coming over whats the point in expending twice as much time/energy to clean it as it does to dirty it.
And as for the bacon, f*ck you. Touch my bacon and you can go back to live at your Moms.
If you can’t him to help, I say let him take care of his own clothes as far as washing them, when he runs out of clothes I’m sure he’ll get the picture.
If he leaves his clothes on the floor don’t pick them up. Maybe he will realize how bad he really is if it’s left there for him to see instead of you picking them up.
One thing I did once was get a hotel for 3 days. Didn’t tell him where the kids and I were going either. He was so happy to see me that he started helping. I think he knew I was trying to teach him a lesson because the house was spotless when We got home.
I totally disagree with the whole withholding strategy. It only causes more stress on the relationship. You have to communicate. (Possibly saying the same thing 15 different ways until he can relate.) When they truly understand why something affects you in a certain way, it helps them remeber to not do it.
witholding sex is a dangerous game, if results are slow in coming when witholding sex consider a different strategy before he starts banging that trannie at work or your sister.
leaving his messes until he realizes or cares can result in you living in a messy house that will drive you crazier than cleaning if your man is just a pig
if bartering and the above dont work you can engage in full out defensive warfare. Best to start subtle and proceed cautiously, depending on your mans level of vindictiveness you may consider hiding or otherwise safeguarding your favorite stuff until things at home have de-escalated. The best tactics often are the most subtle, finesse and a good poker face will help ensure he doubts your deliberateness enough to attack back.
start doing things that dont bother you but will drive him nuts
depending on your personal tastes, listening to “chic music” like streisand or tori amos at top volume in the other room while he’s trying to enjoy other activities like the game, can be very effective. i enjoy putting the television on lifetime when he isnt home before turning it off and hiding the remote “i’m sorry hun what did you say? you cant find the remote? hmmm….. im sure i saw it today when i was cleaning up your socks, i must have accidentally left it somewhere” send him on a wild goosechase checking cabinets where cleaning supplies are stored or in the laundry room. hide it in different places related to his messiness and dont forget to switch it up on him occasionally stick it in your purse and simply find it yourself later when he isnt looking then tell him it was in the couch the whole time. put on lifetime before he gets home and then cleverly hide the remote on top of the tv
wash his favorite old t shirt “accidentally” with your new red thong, cause pink is so manly! do his laundry so badly he starts taking over to ensure his crap isnt destroyed is a very viable strategy. alternatively you could kidnap or throw away the clothes he refuses to pick up. if he does leave his clothes lying around to “keep them in play” as suggested above you could spray them with bad perfume or agree upon an out of the way chair or something where he can put his “to be worn again” clothes.
take any cash for yourself thats left in his dirty clothes and buy yerself somethin special or use the money to pay for a maid.
wear out the battieries on all his wireless game controllers while he’s out, accidentally reset his homepage to sites with content that bugs him that you might actually look at. hide things he needs that he leaves lying around, tell him you didn’t see it when u were picking up. i enjoy hiding my husbands car keys, the key rack by the door is hysterically ALWAYS the last place he looks. If your husband wont grocery shop with you start buying tofu bacon or low fat and low sodium items he’ll hate and tell him you’re concerned about his cholesterol. throw away or delete some porn whenever he fails to clean the sink or take out the trash.
the possibilities are endless. Use your imagination and have fun finding inventive new ways to torture him continually until you can use these as a bartering point i’ll stop if you’ll stop or if he’s less dense he gets the idea and stops doing the stuff himself at which time you can curtail the offending behavior. Now if i could only think of some good ideas to get him to clean the hair outta the sink.
Something I found that works to get him to help clean up a bit is to very gently say,”could you do my job?” answer, “no”. Then, “wouldn’t you like some help if it were yours?” answer “yes” . “Then get your a** up and do something constructive please!!”
I guess you all live with men that are pushovers. The best thing to do it to just outright tell him. The withholding is NOT a good idea. All us men know how to play the GAME and we are really good at it. Don’t think we are just barbarian natured. We haven’t run this world since time began for nothing. Best advice I could give you would be try out the video game he plays, watch the tv show he watches, set aside time for cleaning the house once a week. I promise this will make a better life for both of you. STOP playing these bu****it games!!! They are stupid, we know what you are doing from the beginning and it just pisses us off. So we play your little game and most times it gets taken to far. Think about that before using these tips.
Are all these “tips” on here supposed to be a joke? This is not communication: it is cruelty.
These little “tricks” outlined by Meme would be the quickest way to getting her kicked out of my house. Most of the other “advice” is childish and a good way to begin divorce proceedings. (Or just make him want to beat you and hide the body…)
What happened between the time you “loved” this guy enough to move in with him and now seem hate every little thing about him. While HE is out working ALL DAY at a job he likely hates why should he have to come HOME to this ABUSE? I hope there are no children watching this soap-opera behavior going on. How old are you fourteen?
I LOVE how the men are responding with such violent tendancies to the postings that the women are leaving. I think all of this is so dead on it is hilarious.
The only reason the men are mad because it is so true. They can only think of themselves and can’t gather that someone else may want a little time for themselves.
I hope that Rick really thinks that we love our jobs so much. That we then look forward to our day ending to clean up after him. But don’t forget about the kids and the bills that magically get taken care of. OH where did that magic wand come from.
I think the only reason women get themselves in these situation in the first place is that. You don’t tell your man your expectations in the first place. You make dinner everyday, have sex whenever he wants, wash his clothes and say that okay honey I’ll do it. Then you get tired of doing it all the time and have a man who think your going to do it all, because you have been.
I am a man. You can save a couple years and a lot of legal fees by just getting your divorce as soon as you start having this mentality, before you get worse. And withhold sex and felatio if you want your guy to have an affair or hire a woman who aims to please. About 65% of married men in the USA cheat. Want to push your guy there?
Really, try to out-do him with kindness. Love him unselfishly the very best you can. If you are lucky he will respond in kind. A dog will respond, good for good. Some people do to. If he does, you can have a nice life, with or without socks on the floor. Your happiness is 95% what you choose to think about. You choose one: escalate to evil, selfishness, competition, war, zero sum game. Or escalate to kindness, tolerence, and love.
My wife says I am the sweetest man she ever met. She is serious. I treat her with love, everyday, in almost all ways. She is mostly the same toward me, but sometimes only gives back 1/2 what I give. That’s OK! The human mind is self-centered, so if I think I do twice the nice things she does, in real truth maybe we are even. And there is no great virtue in even, except if your in middle school. Give all you can, be content with 1/3 back. But if I had a wife like the original poster, I’d want to leave her.
My husband tends toward the sloppy side, and I blame his mom for pampering him. We had a HUGE conversation (read: fight) over the issue of helping out around the house. We came to the agreement that as long as I was not working outside of the house, everything in it became my domain, and he couldn’t complain how I did it, as long as it got done. When I got a job, the rules changed. We both do laundry, I cook, he cleans, or vice versa, and we both maintain our own personal spaces. All it takes is communication, and a deep understanding of where the other is coming from. I can guarantee that if you even start thinking about doing the “tips” up there, then you will be one lonely, bitter woman.
Help
I live with my boyfriend and I feel that I may have to break up with him, nothing I have tried has worked to get him to help out more. He just says he is too busy, which is hilarious because i work full time and go to school, and still have time to clean the house and do all the laundry. I just am at my wits end, I know if I move out I will still have to do all the chores myself but at least I wont have to clean up after him. Like the above post’s I think his mom overpampered him and I pity that woman who is stuck living with him forever. It is so sad too because I really do love him and he is a good man, but I cant and wont do it all. I am not his slave or maid and I tried to tell him how it hurts my feelings that he doesnt care how I feel but he just promises he will clean up after himself and then never does it. Just the most selfish person ever.
Lucky
I have straight up asked my boyfriend to clean up his mess but oh he “forgets” which is probably the same exact thing that Rick, Kane etc all use. I know you think that because you have such a “hard job” you have some kind of right to play video games, watching TV or jerk off for hours on end while we run around the house cleaning up after you. Here’s a news flash. I have a job too!! How would like to work all day at your job and then spend 2 hours of your “downtime” cleaning up after someone who “forgot”??? Give me a break. If we ask you, you forget. If we ask you more than once, we’re nagging. If we trick you, you kick us out of your house. If we withhold sex then you cheat on us. It’s a lose-lose for us. So basically you want us all just to shut-up and let you live the way you want. Go ahead then, let your dog pee all over your house and never clean it. Leave your pee in the toilet that you never wash until it overflows. Never wash your clothes or yourself or vacuum. Go ahead and leave all the lights on in your house and all the doors open. Let the stray cats just wander in and out as they please. When you run out of food because you “forgot” to go shopping and you haven’t slept in 4 days because you’ve been playing video games and haven’t eaten anything except KFC in two months and you have violent stomache cramps. DO NOT come crying to me!!!! We do these things because we want to live in a pleasant house and to make your life easier. We don’t do it because we are all selfish, *itches, who only want whats best for us. Maybe you guys are the ones who are being selfish.
Reading Is Fundamental
“Disclaimer: This guide is satirical.”
Seems most people didn’t get it. This is an article of what NOT to do. I think it’s in poor taste, personally. Maybe someone thinks it’s funny…
lazy
I have met some clean men, but I am with one that is unorganized and doesn’t clean up after himself, and if somehow I get him to do the laundry, he puts ALL types of clothes together in the washer (including towels with delicates). He won’t do it right (probably on purpose) so that I don’t ask him again..? When he does the dishes (because I asked ‘politely”) he never gets them all done (like come on..if the pans need scrubbed and you are going to soak them…and like always not come back to them….. be a man and use your stong arms to scrub!!) and he doesn’t clean and wipe down the sink and wipe out the drains! Let me say this: I am a stay at home mom, I go to college a few times a week….I do not complain much for him to help me clean because he works. I appricate him working so I will make him something to eat to take to work and do all the main cleaning (wipe the piss off around the bottom of the toilet kind of stuff). What I don’t like is the fact that he can actually LIVE in a dirty unorganized house and NOT care that it is dirty….that’s what gets me. He won’t pick up after himself and I compare that to “how would he feel if he is at work sweeping the floor and getting it all nice and clean and then suddently his boss comes behind him and spills something on the clean floor and doesn’t clean it up, almost like he just knows the dude sweeping will get to it….because it is his job” That is how I feel when I am at home cleaning the floors and mopping them and he comes home -stomp stomp (dirt from shoes falls on floor) “oh she’s got a broom in her hands, she’ll get it……COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And yes, the hamper thing really ticks me off. I have even asked him time and time again to not throw them on the floor I am not your mom, pick them up and put them in the frickin hamper that happens to be right by your side of the bed. I got him to not throw them on the floor, instead he throws them ON the hamper instead of opening the top and putting them in. FINE…atleast they are not on the floor, but hell……it’s like he is throwing it in my face that he will do whatever it takes not to listen to me…to spite me. I clean up after myself, my son, and him. he goes to work, brings home the money…….his job is finished. sure, he had an hour of a lunch break at work….me….maybe when the kid takes a nap….but my job NEVER ENDS….but atleast my job is in the comfort of my own home and not at a place where I may hate my boss and the other workers. [ may I add that before I got pregnant, I was working two jobs. found out I was pregnant and kept working BOTH jobs for a while. He was laid off and collecting unemployment. I was STILL picking up after him, So really it doesn't matter that I am now a stay at home mom because once upon a time I wasn't and he stayed at home and did NO cleaning whatsoever] BITE ON THAT.
ps: his fishing tackle boxes are completly clean and organized and he keeps his boat nice and swept……)oh do I want to re-arrange his lures so bad!!!!!
My guy is a slob!
It’s funny to hear the same thing I’m experiencing from other women – that their guy just wouldn’t notice the dirt anyway even if we stopped cleaning it; that no matter how disappointed or angry or sad we get about it, they just don’t give a crap. We can say how it’s frustrating us to the point of not wanting to live with them, yet they still refuse to take us seriously. It’s amazing how selfish this comes off, and guys, if you don’t mean for it to, look again, because we are the ones sacrificing our time and energy for the good of both of us; so we are being selfless and kind whereas you ignoring the situation is disrespectful and selfish. I hope this BS doesn’t ruin my own relationship; I’m at the end of my rope after 11 of my prime years of my life. I hope they don’t go to waste!
This post is a recipe for disaster
I think this post is ridiculous. I am a married woman with two kids. My husband doesn’t always clean up after himself, but I’m not perfect either. Sometimes I feel like I am doing all the giving. And if you talk to my husband, he will tell you that sometimes he feels like he is doing all the giving. We give and take. In reality, we do our best, shower each other with love, ask each other for help, and treat each other like the human beings we are. From women to women, I think several of you need to worry a little less of yourself and a little more of your man.